Picking up pens & pencils

I wasn’t drowning I guess;
no abience nor screams
Sinking I was I guess
I am
I will be
Slowly yet steady
Sinking without a cure
Sinking protesting a cure

Old habits of screening and numb
It was harder yet easier that way

But a knock on the door
can cause a lot of things
Anxiety to some
Lifesaver to some
Yes, a simple knock
can save a life sometimes

I wasn’t to come here now
maybe for a while
maybe forever but
You made me now
You made me

A cat
on the shore of a hidden island
with a smile on her eyes
saying a meow of thank you

I’m glad you did

The Dreadful Countdown

Catnip

Christmas is nearing
I stay frozen, eyeing it
as if it’s a dreadful creature

crawling closer to get me…

It’s always been like this since you gone…
days of celebration
birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, New Year
All mutated into scary monsters
hiding in calendar corners,
waiting to inflict slow poison pain on me

Shopping, wrapping, singing, fellowship dinners
make no sense anymore…
Innocent to gallows
they all to me

I cringe with fear

Fear of fake smile plastered to my face
Fear of small talk that I cannot relate
When all I’m only possible of is
Heroin trance with complete silence

Fear of guilt that follows afterward
knowing it’s not their fault
that I cannot be happy without you

I am just fed up

they looking at me
as if I’m a failed terrorist
still adamant about a long forgotten ideology

Last Christmas
I was blessed enough
To forge a fight
To hide in the shadow of upset
Isn’t it lame to play the same trick twice in a row?

So this time?

Should I run away?

I knew I’d miss you of course…
But didn’t
that you’ll make me stumble this long…

Come back, I want to kill you…