The Joy

Faith

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Up to the point- that I give up crying- put on lipstick- go out for breakfast- but have no breakfast-
sit in a corner- next to the window- sketch the Christmas hanging- on the window pane- silent immobile- walk back home- and look at them

 

The joy

 

of
realising- that I am not
moving on-
so that
the mountain

will have to

then
The mountain will have to- move its fat ass- walk heavy slow rhythmic thuds towards the cliff- with one last huge sigh of disappointment will have to jump into the sea- teal splashing all over the place- seaweed and sea creatures subdue it
Up to that point- I’m done with this life without you in it- and stubbornly refuse to move on

So the mountain will have to

So the mountain will have to

So the mountain will have to

 

 

The Dreadful Countdown

Catnip

Christmas is nearing
I stay frozen, eyeing it
as if it’s a dreadful creature

crawling closer to get me…

It’s always been like this since you gone…
days of celebration
birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, New Year
All mutated into scary monsters
hiding in calendar corners,
waiting to inflict slow poison pain on me

Shopping, wrapping, singing, fellowship dinners
make no sense anymore…
Innocent to gallows
they all to me

I cringe with fear

Fear of fake smile plastered to my face
Fear of small talk that I cannot relate
When all I’m only possible of is
Heroin trance with complete silence

Fear of guilt that follows afterward
knowing it’s not their fault
that I cannot be happy without you

I am just fed up

they looking at me
as if I’m a failed terrorist
still adamant about a long forgotten ideology

Last Christmas
I was blessed enough
To forge a fight
To hide in the shadow of upset
Isn’t it lame to play the same trick twice in a row?

So this time?

Should I run away?

I knew I’d miss you of course…
But didn’t
that you’ll make me stumble this long…

Come back, I want to kill you…